Minute by Minute

I have been wanting to update for a few weeks now but it is hard to start. I think I will start with Tim's service and work my way forward.I would like to thank everyone who was involved I know there were so many people helping behind the scenes that I could never thank everyone but please know we appreciate everything. Mary did a perfect job officiating and the family portrait Kenny drew has provided us much peace. Thank you to everyone who spoke about Tim either to me privately or out loud every story touched my heart.
As most people know Jessie's birthday was the day after Tim's service so we made it through our first of many firsts to come this year. It was as difficult as you would imagine. Jessie said you know mom its not fair . Grandma had her dad for 60 years and I only had mine for 12. There are no proper responses for these statements because it does seem so unfair.
Next I would like to invite everyone to watch the memorial video we made for Tim. Just click on the link at the right side of the page. Thank you Rob for your patience and help putting that together. It is quite a mix of emotions when I watch it. I'm thankful and happy we made so many memories with the kids but it is heartbreaking to think there will be no more family trips.
Everyone asks with genuine concern how the kids and I are doing. Honestly, not to be depressing but it seems to be getting harder. I think the shock has worn off and reality has set in that the man who filled our house with laughter and joy is never coming home. It feels like a big empty hole has ripped through this family. We truly are taking life minute by minute. There are times when we are o.k. We went skiing on Monday and it was nice to hear the kids laughing. Grief seems to come in waves and you never know where it will hit. I cry in church at the grocery store and on the ski lift. There was a father daughter dance at Jessie's school last night and that almost killed me. I dreaded it all week thinking how much Tim loved to dance and that Jessie would have had the best date there.
Everyone also asks if we need anything to let them know. Well I thought of something. Katie was talking to me and said mom I really wish I could hear more stories about dad from people.
So if anyone has any comments, antidotes or stories they would like to share we would love to hear them. You can leave them as comments on this blog or mail them to us .
Thanks everyone I will update again when the days are brighter. Kathy

Until we meet again

You could say early this morning Tim lost the battle he had been fighting with cancer since early December 2006, but I prefer to think of it as he won.
As family gathered to say goodbye to the most wonderful husband, father, son, brother and friend we could have been blessed with Tim was granted peace from his pain & suffering & granted eternal life in heaven.
In this time of sorrow I know one thing for sure: The angels in heaven are laughing a little louder today. Never has a man with a bigger smile, louder laugh, our funnier sense of humor been greeted at the pearly gates.
Timmy we all love and miss you, until we are laughing together again. Your wife, Kathy

A celebration of Tim's life will be held:
Saturday February 10th at 1:00 pm
at the John Beaudet Senior Community Center
1525 Median Ave
Shasta Lake, CA 96019

In lieu of flowers the crew at sierra pacific has established a college fund for Katie and Jessica Kortuem. You can contribute at any NorthValley Bank to help Tim's wishes for the future come true.

I wish I had more good news

Let me start by saying it is hard to update when there is not allot of good news to share. I want to keep this blog hopeful which is hard to do right now. Tim continues to sleep more each day and continues to grow weaker. Anyone who knows Tim knows his strongest personality trait is his sense of humor. It is what attracted me to him in 1982 and what has kept me laughing all through the years. So the good news I can share is he still has his sense of humor. Yesterday morning Tim looked restless to me like he may have been in pain. I was crying ( I seem to be doing this allot now days) As I asked him if he needed pain medicine. He opened his eyes and looked at me and said you look like you are in pain. I said my pain is heartbreak and there is nothing we can do about this. He said there is enough pain medicine here take 2 and it will probably go away. It gave me a chuckle that he still has the energy to joke.
The other good news I can share is Tim was awake enough today to enjoy the pictures from the Timmy tourney. Thank you , Thank you, Thank you to Karen coffman for putting that photo album together.You will never know how much we appreciate it. The pictures are wonderful and the hand written notes even better. My favorite picture is the one on the front page I have hundreds of pictures of Tim I have taken over the years but none of him at work which is a huge part of who he is . I will treasure this. Also a big thanks to Patty Breedlove and Larry Carter for the picture Cd's. As a scrapbook fanatic You can never have too many pictures. I know this tournament was such a success due to many people's efforts not just a few so I thank all of you. Kathy

Timmy Tourney

Hi everyone this is Katie, Tim's oldest daughter. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who attended the Timmy Tourney. It was honestly the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for our family. It meant so much to my parents and even more to me. You rough and tough milldogs sure do have a soft side. [To everyone who doesn't know..the Timmy tournament was a poker tournament that Mike Kelley and Glenn Bell came up with as a fundraiser to raise money for mine and my sister's college fund.] On Saturday night at about 7:30 I was with my best friend and we both got to thinking that we should have went to the poker tournament just to see everyone and hear all the nice things that everyone had to say about my good ol' dad. But looking at all the pictures and watching the video was a nice replacement. For the last few days my dad has done nothing but lay in bed and today was the first time I saw him smile and it just happened to be when he was watching the video. We are all going to miss my dad's badass, funny and humble personality, me especially, but one thing that i strongly believe in is that everything happens for a reason.


PS- I'm feelin an annual Timmy Tourney..

Hospice

Just a quick update to let everyone know two days ago Tim decided to turn to hospice. Some people think this is a scary word or that we have given up, but that is not true. I find a peace in knowing that we have opted for comfort care in our home. Tim wants nothing more than to be surrounded by his girls. Tim's body grows weaker each day because of his inability to eat, but I believe his spirit grows stronger with acceptance. After 2 days of being too weak to get out of bed the hospice nurses decided to try Ritalin to act as a stimulant to give Tim some energy. It gave him the strength he needed to attend Katie's basketball game this afternoon. That has been his goal all week and i believe it to be a blessing
A big thank you goes out to everyone at shasta blood center. The girls were thrilled to find the wonderful care package on our front step. So many kind gifts and words of encouragement. We appreciate everyone of them. I apoligize I don't feel emotionally strong enough to call and update , but please know I am thinking of all of you and I feel your prayers.
Also to everyone who has sent a card, email, left a comment or phone message please know that I read or tell Tim about everyone. It is a wonderful gift you have given him to let him know that he touched your life and made a difference. It is also a gift to me and the girls because they have become my morning meditation. I read them everyday because it is comforting to know how many people love Tim as much as we do. Thanks , Kathy

There is no place like home

Today Tim came home from the hospital. There is nothing more peaceful than being in your own home. He is still very weak and not eating but an incredible peace has came over Tim. After much discussion we have opted to come home for awhile and relax away from treatment to regain a quality of life. We are at a in between stage. We are having home health come in for i.v. antibiotic treatments that Tim needs. We have not turned to hospice for care so we still have the option of chemo if Tim can beat this infection and maintain his strength. Tim did confide in me tonight that chemo was not that important to him anymore. He never wants to return to the hospital for treatment no matter what the future holds he will accept it at home. I wish I had the peace and acceptance of this situation that Tim has.
There are always so many thanks to send out I could never in my wildest dreams imagined the outpouring of love and support our family has been offered. The sierra pacific family never stops giving and have humbled Tim by starting a college fund for his girls. You will never know how much this means to us both. The Timmy tourney is the most touching thing I have ever heard of . I don't think Tim would mind me sharing this with you when Mary told him it brought tears to his eyes and he really hoped he could see pictures of this event. Hopefully we can have a video recorder there so Tim can experience a part of it.
Also a special thanks to all the staff at both kids schools I know you are looking out for the girls and it is very much appreciated. Katie's basketball team has been a wonderful sense of support for her right now she is lucky to have all you guys. Finally even though we couldn't wait to escape the hospital Thank you to the great staff who cared for Tim. We both became attached to to a few special nurses who I know are true angels. Thank you Randy, Steve, Penny and Rusti.
It is time to go spend some time with my husband, by the way I read all your comments to him and he enjoys them very much. Thanks again, Kathy

Great Idea

My mother in law told me of a wonderful idea that she wished would happen. I wanted to share it all with you in hopes you can make it happen. When any of you Tim's friends or family run into our girls ( Katie or Jessie) instead of asking how their dad is doing can you possibly relate a positive thing Tim has said about them. For example your dad is sure proud of you.I know he bragged on his girl's all the time. Thank- you very much.
Now for a update on Tim's condition. Saturday was a good day he was able to joke with the girls when they came by the hospital for a few minutes and he had a few visitors that he was able to enjoy. Since then things have gone down hill rapidly Tim has been unable to eat anything or keep it down for the last 2 days and today is starting out even worse. Yesterday was the first day I saw defeat in Tim's eyes and it scared me. I have had nurses mention hospice to me which makes me even more scared. Tim tells me he is still fighting but I am beginning to wonder for what this is not the quality of life any of us wish for Tim. I am dreading the hard decisions I fear we will have to make in the near future. Still praying for a miracle I will keep you updated.. Kathy

Desperate

Tim has a systemic blood infection which he is still trying to fight off. He really is a brave strong man. I'm still not sure how I got so lucky to marry this man. I can't tell you how scared and desperate I feel heading to the hospital this morning. Tim was not responding much at all yesterday. I have to tell myself today is a new day and there are miracles everyday. Please pray harder than ever. A quick thanks to Ellie and Pipper I received your kind gift in the mail yesterday and it helped cheer me up. I also want Jerry to know I read his thoughtful card to Tim because he didn't have the strength to read it but he heard it and loved it. I hope we get a little good news today... Kathy

Gratitude and Hope

I just want to take a moment to express gratitude to all those who are making life easier for us. A big thanks to the Demaagd's and Ella, Shane and Victoria for giving the girls a happy place to stay while we are at the hospital. I know you love the girls as much as Tim and I and it is a huge relief to know their needs are being met so wonderfully.
So many touching things have been done for us . John made a beautiful scrapbook about best friends that really lifted Tim's spirits. The support from the entire Sierra Pacific family is amazing. Even if I don't return phone calls know everyone is important and lifts our spirits.
One of my favorite thoughts about how good people are is Katie calling me at the hospital and saying "Mom why is there a stranger mowing our back yard?" I said because people are good. You know who you are (Thanks)
Mary, Vince, Cathy and the Bell family thanks for giving me hope and peace in my down times. Of course thanks to Tim's entire family and mine for everything you do to help Tim and I make it through every minute of the day.
Now probably what you are waiting for an update on Tim's condition. In the beginning I was praying for a cure, then quality years or months. I still pray for these things but I have learned to be grateful for the good moments Tim has when we can have good conversation. He is really battling the disease right now and doesn't have much strength for much of anything else. Anyway today we had 2 good 30 minute conversations which was 2 more than yesterday. I am grateful for that maybe things are moving in a positive direction. Praying for a miracle ...Kathy

Readmission

Unfortunately Tim was admitted to the hospital again today. There were a combination of problems. His jaundice has increased due to the previous stent that was placed in the biliary duct has became occluded. They will place a new stent tomorrow. Also he experienced some mental confusion over the weekend due to ammonia levels rising in the brain due to decreased liver function.I will update when I know more. Kathy

Prognosis

This seems to be the hardest thing to deal with right now is the constant question of what is Tim's prognosis. Yesterday an adult asked our daughter if Tim was going to die. This seems like a pretty harsh question for an adult to ask a child. I realize it is a doctors job to prepare you for the worst. Our doctor has done this without giving allot of hope, but from this point forward I refuse to talk about prognosis, statistics and time lines. Tim is fighting an incredible battle and I believe he has the will to do great things. He told me he plans on being here to see his daughters graduate in 2009 and he really wants to walk them down the aisle on their wedding day. Since we have a strict rule in the Kortuem house nobody gets married until they have their 4 year degree from college this is at least 10 years away. These are long term goals in the short term Tim really wants to feel strong enough to take the girls tubing on the lake this summer our favorite family times. Keep your eyes open for our blue boat because I truly believe we will be there. A social worker at the hospital gave me this great idea when people ask about the prognosis. We are in the most important basketball game of our lives no one knows if we will win or loose but we are only in the first quarter with lots of time left to play. I know Tim and I know this game is going into overtime. Please pray for a miracle. We had one 2 days ago when Tim felt strong enough to go to Katie's basketball game. Thanks for everything ,Kathy

How the nightmare began

Many people (including me) wonder how this could happen so quickly.
I decided to write a short synopsis about how we got to where we are today.
Trying to think back this is the best we can remember about when the symptoms started.
Thanksgiving seemed normal the whole family came over , Tim had his normal appetite and sense of humor. That is the last normal time I can remember by the first week in December Tim had lost his appetite and had a constant feeling of being bloated and weak. Mikey at work told Tim his eyes were turning yellow and after being coaxed by some of his coworkers (thank you)Tim saw the m.d. on Dec. 6, 2006. That is when the emotional roller coaster began.

I am going to try to leave out the medical jargon. We started with blood tests that showed Tim's liver was not functioning properly. On Dec. 13 We were referred to a G.I. specialist Tim's jaundice had gotten worse from an increase in billirubin by this point Tim was not eating anything. An MRI was scheduled and after this was performed they told us not to leave they wanted to call his doctor immediately who told us to meet him at the hospital to have ERCP .
The MRI showed a blockage in the bile duct which was causing the bile to back up and Tim to turn Yellow. We were hoping for gall stones that could be removed during this procedure and we would go back to life as normal. The funny thing is when we checked into the hospital of course the first thing they talk about is insurance and payment. They said they estimated Tim's stay to be 2 days so we still thought this can't be too serious.
When we got to the G.I. lab the doctor said the MRI showed a tumor blocking the bile duct which was so advanced that surgery was not a option. Tim said can you fix me as they were starting the sedative to preform the procedure so that was all he remembered. The doctor took me outside and said I want you to look into my eyes so you know how serious this is we have an oncologist on board to consult with. I know I will never forget that look in his eyes or the sick feeling that came to my stomach and has not yet left.
The procedure he preformed was to place a temporary stint into the bile duct to allow the bile duct to drain. He also took some cell brushings from the area as a sort of biopsy to see exactly what we were dealing with. He kept telling me this is just a band aid I cannot fix the problem this is temporary. When Tim came out of the procedure he kept asking me over and over" did they take anything out" "why didn't they remove anything" . It seemed like he asked this every 10 minutes all night long. I don't know if it was the medicine he was under or the fact that this information was too much to absorb. Tim told me until this happened he believed he was invincible.
On Dec. 14 Tim had a cat scan of his entire body , a MRI of the spine , a bone scan and another ERCP to do a stomach biopsy. As anybody who has been through this knows the waiting is the hardest part. Throughout the weekend many nurses tried to lift our spirits by saying just because it looks suspicious doesn't mean its cancer until the biopsy is back. On Tuesday Dec. 18 we got the official diagnosis cholangiocarcinoma which had metathesized to the liver and pancreas. Tim took this news much better than I did. He said i know it has to be allot harder on your side of the fence. I just want to make sure you and the girls are going to be o.k. Always selfless.
On Dec. 21 Tim had a port-a-cath put in his chest to make chemo treatments easier and at the same time he had a paracentesis to drain 4 liters of fluid from his abdomen. This was a good thing because it relieved the pressure and he was able to eat again also the fluid had begun to press on the diaphragm and make his breathing more difficult. For a guy who hates needles he sure had his share this week.
On Dec. 23 Tim spiked a fever which ruined our chances to come home for Christmas. I promise I will never take advantage of another Christmas in our own living room again. Thanks to everyone who gave up their family time and visited us that day. On Dec. 26 Tim received his first dose of chemo which we believed to be a great Christmas gift.
On Dec. 29 Tim developed a pleural effusion which was quite painful and delayed his release from the hospital again. Finally on Jan. 1, 2007 Tim was released to come home. YEAH!

Thanks mill dogs

Tim had his second dose of chemo today which has totally exhausted him. Tim and I appreciate the phone calls from his coworkers who want to visit we are not ignoring you just waiting to contact you until Tim has enough energy for visitors. I saw Mary today who is an incredible patient woman constantly answering my insurance questions. Anyway she gave me the picture of the sawmill guys and Tim really loved it. He kept looking at it saying" I'll be darned that was sure nice of them" then he showed his family members who stopped by for a moment. Just wanted to let you all know how much joy he got from this gesture Thanks.......Kathy

First of all I would like to thank all of our friends, family and neighbors for the concern and support they have shown our family in this stressful time. We appreciate all the prayers more than you know. Even though I am not computer savvy I believe this will be the best way to keep everyone updated on Tim's condition. I apologize for the phone calls I have not returned. At the end of the day I am honestly too exhausted and it is depressing to repeat the details of Tim's illness.

Tim's official diagnosis is cholangiocarcinoma which is in stage 4. This is a fancy name for cancer that begins in the bile duct.Tim has numerous lesions in his liver and some metastasis to the pancreas. Surgery and radiation are not a option as things have spread too far. On December 26 Tim began his first dose of chemotherapy (gemzar) he will have these treatments once a week for 8 weeks when another ct scan will be taken to see if the treatment was effective in shrinking the tumors. The doctor says there in no cure for this cancer the chemo is only to slow down the cancer. Hopefully the chemo will shrink in the liver enough for the liver to regain function.

Tim was released from the hospital on January01, 2007 after 18 days in the hospital we feel very lucky to have Tim home. It was a great way to start the new year.Tim will have his second dose of chemo tomorrow. I will try to keep this site updated often on Tim's progress. Happy new year to everyone and thanks again for all you have done for our family. Please remember us in your prayers. Kathy