Minute by Minute

I have been wanting to update for a few weeks now but it is hard to start. I think I will start with Tim's service and work my way forward.I would like to thank everyone who was involved I know there were so many people helping behind the scenes that I could never thank everyone but please know we appreciate everything. Mary did a perfect job officiating and the family portrait Kenny drew has provided us much peace. Thank you to everyone who spoke about Tim either to me privately or out loud every story touched my heart.
As most people know Jessie's birthday was the day after Tim's service so we made it through our first of many firsts to come this year. It was as difficult as you would imagine. Jessie said you know mom its not fair . Grandma had her dad for 60 years and I only had mine for 12. There are no proper responses for these statements because it does seem so unfair.
Next I would like to invite everyone to watch the memorial video we made for Tim. Just click on the link at the right side of the page. Thank you Rob for your patience and help putting that together. It is quite a mix of emotions when I watch it. I'm thankful and happy we made so many memories with the kids but it is heartbreaking to think there will be no more family trips.
Everyone asks with genuine concern how the kids and I are doing. Honestly, not to be depressing but it seems to be getting harder. I think the shock has worn off and reality has set in that the man who filled our house with laughter and joy is never coming home. It feels like a big empty hole has ripped through this family. We truly are taking life minute by minute. There are times when we are o.k. We went skiing on Monday and it was nice to hear the kids laughing. Grief seems to come in waves and you never know where it will hit. I cry in church at the grocery store and on the ski lift. There was a father daughter dance at Jessie's school last night and that almost killed me. I dreaded it all week thinking how much Tim loved to dance and that Jessie would have had the best date there.
Everyone also asks if we need anything to let them know. Well I thought of something. Katie was talking to me and said mom I really wish I could hear more stories about dad from people.
So if anyone has any comments, antidotes or stories they would like to share we would love to hear them. You can leave them as comments on this blog or mail them to us .
Thanks everyone I will update again when the days are brighter. Kathy

Until we meet again

You could say early this morning Tim lost the battle he had been fighting with cancer since early December 2006, but I prefer to think of it as he won.
As family gathered to say goodbye to the most wonderful husband, father, son, brother and friend we could have been blessed with Tim was granted peace from his pain & suffering & granted eternal life in heaven.
In this time of sorrow I know one thing for sure: The angels in heaven are laughing a little louder today. Never has a man with a bigger smile, louder laugh, our funnier sense of humor been greeted at the pearly gates.
Timmy we all love and miss you, until we are laughing together again. Your wife, Kathy

A celebration of Tim's life will be held:
Saturday February 10th at 1:00 pm
at the John Beaudet Senior Community Center
1525 Median Ave
Shasta Lake, CA 96019

In lieu of flowers the crew at sierra pacific has established a college fund for Katie and Jessica Kortuem. You can contribute at any NorthValley Bank to help Tim's wishes for the future come true.

I wish I had more good news

Let me start by saying it is hard to update when there is not allot of good news to share. I want to keep this blog hopeful which is hard to do right now. Tim continues to sleep more each day and continues to grow weaker. Anyone who knows Tim knows his strongest personality trait is his sense of humor. It is what attracted me to him in 1982 and what has kept me laughing all through the years. So the good news I can share is he still has his sense of humor. Yesterday morning Tim looked restless to me like he may have been in pain. I was crying ( I seem to be doing this allot now days) As I asked him if he needed pain medicine. He opened his eyes and looked at me and said you look like you are in pain. I said my pain is heartbreak and there is nothing we can do about this. He said there is enough pain medicine here take 2 and it will probably go away. It gave me a chuckle that he still has the energy to joke.
The other good news I can share is Tim was awake enough today to enjoy the pictures from the Timmy tourney. Thank you , Thank you, Thank you to Karen coffman for putting that photo album together.You will never know how much we appreciate it. The pictures are wonderful and the hand written notes even better. My favorite picture is the one on the front page I have hundreds of pictures of Tim I have taken over the years but none of him at work which is a huge part of who he is . I will treasure this. Also a big thanks to Patty Breedlove and Larry Carter for the picture Cd's. As a scrapbook fanatic You can never have too many pictures. I know this tournament was such a success due to many people's efforts not just a few so I thank all of you. Kathy

Timmy Tourney

Hi everyone this is Katie, Tim's oldest daughter. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone who attended the Timmy Tourney. It was honestly the nicest thing that anyone has ever done for our family. It meant so much to my parents and even more to me. You rough and tough milldogs sure do have a soft side. [To everyone who doesn't know..the Timmy tournament was a poker tournament that Mike Kelley and Glenn Bell came up with as a fundraiser to raise money for mine and my sister's college fund.] On Saturday night at about 7:30 I was with my best friend and we both got to thinking that we should have went to the poker tournament just to see everyone and hear all the nice things that everyone had to say about my good ol' dad. But looking at all the pictures and watching the video was a nice replacement. For the last few days my dad has done nothing but lay in bed and today was the first time I saw him smile and it just happened to be when he was watching the video. We are all going to miss my dad's badass, funny and humble personality, me especially, but one thing that i strongly believe in is that everything happens for a reason.


PS- I'm feelin an annual Timmy Tourney..

Hospice

Just a quick update to let everyone know two days ago Tim decided to turn to hospice. Some people think this is a scary word or that we have given up, but that is not true. I find a peace in knowing that we have opted for comfort care in our home. Tim wants nothing more than to be surrounded by his girls. Tim's body grows weaker each day because of his inability to eat, but I believe his spirit grows stronger with acceptance. After 2 days of being too weak to get out of bed the hospice nurses decided to try Ritalin to act as a stimulant to give Tim some energy. It gave him the strength he needed to attend Katie's basketball game this afternoon. That has been his goal all week and i believe it to be a blessing
A big thank you goes out to everyone at shasta blood center. The girls were thrilled to find the wonderful care package on our front step. So many kind gifts and words of encouragement. We appreciate everyone of them. I apoligize I don't feel emotionally strong enough to call and update , but please know I am thinking of all of you and I feel your prayers.
Also to everyone who has sent a card, email, left a comment or phone message please know that I read or tell Tim about everyone. It is a wonderful gift you have given him to let him know that he touched your life and made a difference. It is also a gift to me and the girls because they have become my morning meditation. I read them everyday because it is comforting to know how many people love Tim as much as we do. Thanks , Kathy

There is no place like home

Today Tim came home from the hospital. There is nothing more peaceful than being in your own home. He is still very weak and not eating but an incredible peace has came over Tim. After much discussion we have opted to come home for awhile and relax away from treatment to regain a quality of life. We are at a in between stage. We are having home health come in for i.v. antibiotic treatments that Tim needs. We have not turned to hospice for care so we still have the option of chemo if Tim can beat this infection and maintain his strength. Tim did confide in me tonight that chemo was not that important to him anymore. He never wants to return to the hospital for treatment no matter what the future holds he will accept it at home. I wish I had the peace and acceptance of this situation that Tim has.
There are always so many thanks to send out I could never in my wildest dreams imagined the outpouring of love and support our family has been offered. The sierra pacific family never stops giving and have humbled Tim by starting a college fund for his girls. You will never know how much this means to us both. The Timmy tourney is the most touching thing I have ever heard of . I don't think Tim would mind me sharing this with you when Mary told him it brought tears to his eyes and he really hoped he could see pictures of this event. Hopefully we can have a video recorder there so Tim can experience a part of it.
Also a special thanks to all the staff at both kids schools I know you are looking out for the girls and it is very much appreciated. Katie's basketball team has been a wonderful sense of support for her right now she is lucky to have all you guys. Finally even though we couldn't wait to escape the hospital Thank you to the great staff who cared for Tim. We both became attached to to a few special nurses who I know are true angels. Thank you Randy, Steve, Penny and Rusti.
It is time to go spend some time with my husband, by the way I read all your comments to him and he enjoys them very much. Thanks again, Kathy

Great Idea

My mother in law told me of a wonderful idea that she wished would happen. I wanted to share it all with you in hopes you can make it happen. When any of you Tim's friends or family run into our girls ( Katie or Jessie) instead of asking how their dad is doing can you possibly relate a positive thing Tim has said about them. For example your dad is sure proud of you.I know he bragged on his girl's all the time. Thank- you very much.
Now for a update on Tim's condition. Saturday was a good day he was able to joke with the girls when they came by the hospital for a few minutes and he had a few visitors that he was able to enjoy. Since then things have gone down hill rapidly Tim has been unable to eat anything or keep it down for the last 2 days and today is starting out even worse. Yesterday was the first day I saw defeat in Tim's eyes and it scared me. I have had nurses mention hospice to me which makes me even more scared. Tim tells me he is still fighting but I am beginning to wonder for what this is not the quality of life any of us wish for Tim. I am dreading the hard decisions I fear we will have to make in the near future. Still praying for a miracle I will keep you updated.. Kathy